Define Yourself

I grew up like a normal boy. Mataba. Hindi masyado matalino sa school. Pero laging nominated as class president or vice president but never an escort. Hehe. Love na love ko si mommy. Mama's boy. Nagka-crush. Naglaro nang 10-20 at chinese garter pati luksong baka.

Grumaduate nang elementary. Nahilig sa volleyball. Na-inlove. Natutong gumawa nang love letter. Naadik sa pagsagot nang slum book. Di pa rin matalino. Medyo mataba na lang. Pero palagi nang class president. Then grumaduate nang highschool.

College days. Pumayat nang konti. Nagbulakbol. Tinamad. Nagcut nang classes. Hinanap ang sarili. Sumali sa banda. Gumirlfriend girlfriend. Nagkabarkada. Gumigimik. Typical college student.

Pero, proud naman ako na di ako na-involve sa drugs nor tried yosi at nagpakalulon sa alak. Hanggang sa nabuking nang magulang ang pagloloko. Nagtino. Nag-ayos. Lumipat nang school. Nagseryoso sa pag-aaral. Pero di pa rin masyado matalino. Tama lang. Haha. 

Then, nakahanap nang trabaho. Natutong tumayo sa sarili. Kumikita na on your own. Nakakabili nang sariling gamit. Hanggang sa araw nang birthday ko noong 2002, madaling araw, nagsimulang magbago ang buhay ko. It was that year when I stepped in to this new world where it has changed my lifestyle and my sexual preference. It was like a reborn moment kasi on the day of my birthday siya nagsimula.

Nagsimula sa curiosity. Hanggang sa sinawsaw na ang kaliwang paa to test the water. Hanggang sa nag-enjoy, nag-explore nang nag-explore, na-inlove, then nasaktan, at sumubok uli, at lahat nang yan nangyayari habang nakatago ako sa loob nang cabinet (figuratively). Nagwork ako sa dalawang kumpanya na di naglaladlad. Piling kaibigan lang ang nakakaalam. Di rin alam nang family ko. Takot pa ako noon. Dahil dati, hindi pa ganun ka-open ang society. Parang automatic ang judgement sa mga gays. May generalization agad.

Until I decided to be just out and free. I felt I'm not doing anything wrong and I'm still a good citizen. It was the most recent company where I worked for almost 5 years where I really introduced myself as gay and wasn't ashamed of it. I embraced the culture of the company because in there, I am accepted for who I am. And they have respected me. Although normally, yung iba di makapaniwala nung una because hindi naman ako kilos babae at hinding hindi mangyayari yun. Wala akong pangarap maging babae.

According to my friends, I'm a gay guy trapped in a straight guy's body daw. I never dress, move, talk and live like a typical gay daw kasi. Wala akong alam na gay linggo. Hindi din ako mahilig gumimik sa gay bars. At awkward ang feeling pag napapalibutan ako nang madaming bading. Para akong nagshi-shrink. At konti lang din ang gay friends ko. Hindi din ako active sa mga meet up for sex. Hindi din ako nainom o pala gimik. Hindi din ako maingay. At hate kong tinatawag akong "bading" for a nickname.

The way I want to write this is to let everyone know that it should not be the society that needs to dictate on who we want to be. It's us who should define ourselves. It's you who needs to define yourself. Yung preferences ko were my personal choices according to what I want, what I like, and what I want to be. Choice kong maging kilos lalake, manamit lalake, kasi gusto kong maging lalake. Choice kong hindi gumimik at pumunta sa mga puntahan nang mga bading kasi hindi ako nag-eenjoy dun. I may but I don't find any satisfaction at all.

I realized that before, kaya may generalization, may automatic classification ang mga gays kasi everyone tends to follow the fad. Pag sinabing bading, dapat ganito, dapat ganyan. Nawawala ang personal identification. Nowadays, I'm happy na unti-unting nawawala na ang generalization. Society is starting to accept different ways and styles of gays. Personally, I still have never experienced any discremenation for being gay up to this point. Because maybe, I worked hard to put dignity on my name na din.

I don't regret any decision I made in the past. The choices I made when I was still young, when I was in elementary, highschool and in college. I'm happy where I am right now. I'm happy with my wise choices about my life and who I am today. I'm happy that I'm free and not hiding. My family knows it and accepted me and hubbee, same for my friends.

That's what you get if you allow yourself to define who you are. Because our lives should only be dictated by us, and not by our society. Do what you love, what you like, what you enjoy, not by what the society wants you to do. Follow your heart. Find your true happiness!!!